You know I'm not gonna sleep until you laying here next to me, but I'll let you do what you need to do.
You're the only one I'll ever want, ever need and I'm always going to be here for you. I love you forever, Michael Guerin, remember that wherever you are and whatever you're doing. You're the heart that beats in this chest of mine. Feel it, too.
Try to get some sleep. Please. I'll be back tomorrow and we can talk then. I'm just going to my workshop to take care of a couple things. You shouldn't have to deal with my shit when I get like this.
I'm too used to having you next to me, and our connection right there. It's okay though. I understand your need to work things out in your head sometimes. I'll always deal with your shit, Michael. That's what I'm here for. I'll wrap my arms around you until your brain tells you the right things instead of the wrong ones.
I know the feeling. Your solution sounds a lot better than mine. It's just sometimes I still worry about you realizing I still have some hang-ups to work through and maybe realizing you want something a little easier and once I start thinking it the whole night is shot and here I am. Probably shot your whole night too.
If I haven't realized that you have hang-ups by now, I'd have been blind. I've wanted you all this time, what in the world would make you think I'd change my mind at the one yard line. I asked you to marry me, and it's only a matter of a few days now.
You're all I want, and all I'll ever want baby. You need to come back to bed and get a little nap before the day is shot. There's still some time.
You're not an idiot. We all get caught in insecurities. I love you through yours, and you love me through mine. I told you I was an idiot the other day, didn't I? I was feeling very insecure, and all I needed was your arms around me. They make the world better. You make my world better.
I don't know. Just some demons that are hard to shake. Not to sound cliche but it's not you at all it's me. I've been to the one yard line before and he DID change his mind. I know you're not anything like that and this is completely different than anything, trust me I feel it. I don't know how to explain. I just worry that you deserve better sometimes and then I can't quiet my mind unless I do something.
You're all I want too. I'll come back there's just something I have to do first. It's important.
Yeah and what did I do? I fucked up and made a stupid joke when you clearly needed me. Which I'm still going to apologize for I wanted to immediately. It was stupid of me.
We can move up the date if you want. It was only me getting all the dots and t’s crossed on the paperwork. I can take a day off to do it. I don’t mind. This is our life and if I have to make sure you are content and feel safe, I’ll do anything, anything for that.
Making you feel safe and secure in us is the most important thing. I think that’s another reason why I wanted to marry you. I wanted you to realize that I’m going to be the one that sticks. I’ve always been that one and so have you.
It’s fine, you more than made up for it and I found you at home and you wrapped me in love and that was all I really needed.
Do what you need and I will be here for you when you get here.
It's okay. I don't want you to worry. You do make me feel safe, I promise. I don't know. Sometimes at night insecurities attack and then it spirals. I thought I was getting better. I mean I think I really am. I'm not drinking it away anymore and it's happening a lot less. I haven't gotten into a fight in months. And it's because of you. You make me so happy. You make me want to be better. To be someone worthy of you.
I haven't nearly made up for it and we're going to talk about that when I get home. I think what I'm doing now will help us both.
You are slowly getting better lover. I know we both have things that plague us and I know that whatever you're doing is important. I am here for you.
You are more than worthy of me. Don't you ever think that you're not, baby. You're the only one that comes across my radar, and I hope that I'm worthy of your love, of how deep, passionate and wild your love is.
We can talk all you want. Whatever you want to do, I'll be waiting.
You are beyond worthy. You are the single best person I've ever met. I'm reminded every day of just how lucky I am. There is no one greater than you. No one better for me or better at loving me.
[He didn't intend to be gone all night and most of the day. He had planned on coming back last night, crawling back into bed with his fiance and holding on as tight as he could until the storm raging in his mind quieted down. The thing is, spending some time holed up in his old workshop did help; if anything it let him spiral away from worrying about his shit touching Max. Regardless of Max's reassurances and the fact that Michael knew Max was more than familiar with his baggage, there was that lingering fear that he would become too much one day or that after everything Max went through, he deserved someone less like...him. These thoughts were becoming less and less frequent it was just...some nights, man. Then there were other nights where he would wake up in a cold sweat after having a nightmare about Max dying. Those were harder to shake and usually ended with him holding onto the other man for dear life.
He's practically jumping out of the truck before the engine is off and walks through the front door, cardboard box in his arms.]
Hey, you home? [He calls out, placing the box on a nearby table.] Sorry that took me so long.
[It was a tortured love affair that Max had with Michael's demons. He knew that the other had to fight them. Lord knows that Max had his very own, and so many of them at that. The only difference was that Michael quieted his every sea, and calmed the hurricane inside him, so when Michael pulled away to twist in the wind and power through on his own it was so much harder on max. He became moody and tortured in the meantime.
Not only did Michael not come home in the early morning as he'd said, but he was gone most the day. Max called off from work that night as he waited, and his mood grew darker and darker. It was like the sun had dipped from his day. He knew that Michael was fine. Their bond told him that much and Max hated the way he could feel when things were off. He also knew the depression and questioning that had hollowed his lover out the night before.
How could max ever sleep when one half of him was feeling like they were hanging out to dry. The excitement that runs through Michael dulls the pain in Max's mind and heart as he comes in through the door with the box.
Tired and trying to hold himself together Max moves into the room that Michael is in and leans against the door.]
I'm here. I'm glad you found your way home. I was beginning to wonder. So, what did you find?
[Of course things feel off. He could feel the undercurrent of Max's darkening emotions all day. Worry, hurt, exhaustion, maybe some anger. It made not rushing home so much harder but after his stupid mistake the other day which he hasn't stopped thinking about, he had spent the last couple days in his head. Last night it all became clear to him and he couldn't come home until it was done. He wanted it to be a surprise but the way Max is holding himself at a distance, the pain in those deep brown eyes tells him he played this all wrong.
He feels unsure for a moment, like he lost his footing and he hasn't felt that way around Max in a long time. It's all his fault and he hates it. It's different than the last time, when the magnitude of his feelings crashed into him like a freight train and he disappeared for a few days. There was none of that fire, that passionate anger burning in the man standing in the doorway. He looks sad, tired. Maybe because they are newly engaged, at the one yard line and he should be well past pulling this shit. ]
Of course I found my way home. I- [The look on Max's face and the distance between them feels more painful than any punch or beating he's had to endure. Suddenly the box feels pretty stupid in the face of the damage he caused but it's important to him. The need to touch Max right now is even more important though so he steps away from the entryway and crosses the room to closes the distance between them, reaching for his hand to pull him away from the doorway gently in case it's not welcome right now.]
I found the rest of my stuff. In a crappy apartment in town I officially no longer rent. [He watches Max's face, trying to gauge his reaction.] I have the last of the boxes in the truck and I turned in the keys.
[Strange thing about that mistake. It really hadn't bothered Max all that much. It hurt a little, a quick smack across the face for about ten minutes. His heart had dropped and he'd wanted to run away somewhere, but then when Michael had replied again it made everything better. Max knew that Michael couldn't really have meant what he said because Michael loved him. In every sense of the word, Max knew that in his deepest of hearts, even when they said stupid things to one another, they loved each other.
Even now, with Max brooding and feeling upset that Michael had been gone so much longer than Max wanted, it was only because he was tired and wanted his lover by his side. He felt at a loss, because he wasn't able to help Michael in the way his fiance needed. Max was a fixer and always wanted to be there to help, to take away Michael's pain. This time Michael left him to deal by himself, and every time the other did that, it made Max feel inadequate.
That's the reason he was so impossibly upset. It was far more at himself than Michael. It mostly just manifested outward, even though it was an inward emotion. Feeling the warmth of Michael's hand in his immediately softens the beast roaming around in Max's head. He closes his eyes and tries to calm his emotions. Reaching out he pulls the other into him and smothers him with a kiss. This is how it should always be. He pulls off and bites at the side of Michael's neck, marking him once more as his-- staking his claim on the other man, needing to feel in control of something. ]
God damnit Michael. I could have helped with all of that. Why didn't you let me help? [He sighs, and then leans in and kisses his love again, more softly this time.] I'm glad you were able to do that. It feels good. I just feel so ... useless when you don't need me like that. I hate that feeling. I need you to need me, and I'm so terrible about it, such a fucking mess. I'm sorry. You should be able to have a day without me getting so ...
[He shakes his head and drops it to Michael's shoulder. Soon they'll be married and this won't be an issue, he hopes. Well, even if it is, he's talked about it now and maybe they'll find a compromise somewhere down the road.] I love you so fucking much.
[The thing is, Michael did need him. He needed Max more than he's ever needed anyone or anything in his life. There is no him without Max. He's just not great at asking for what he needs. Spending so much time alone, growing up learning the hard way that you can't count on anyone, you get really good at being alone or at least really good at suffering alone as someone recently pointed out to him. Trying to unlearn that after years of conditioning takes time, his progress hasn't been linear if it ever is for anyone but he wants to be better. No one has ever made him want to push himself out of his self-destructive comfort zone so much before.
When Max pulls him in and kisses him instead of pulling away, it's like a knot loosens in his chest and he can breathe again. He immediately wraps his arms around him, holding him tightly and swallowing past the lump in his throat as Max stakes his claim. A claim wasn't necessary. Michael knows who he belongs to. There is and could never be anyone else, but still, he understands the emotion behind it and sighs softly, tilting his head slightly to let Max know he's for the taking. Anything, everything, whatever he needs.]
You really need to stop apologizing for how you feel when I fuck up. [Hearing Max apologize, hearing him voice the way Michael made him feel cuts like a knife to the heart. He never wants to make him feel like that again. He loosens his grip, sliding his hands around to cup his lover's face, gently pulling him up to look into his eyes.]
Max, I'm so fucking sorry. I know those are just words and I'll prove it to you. I promise. I know you would have helped me. I didn't know I was going to do it when I left here. I had every intention of coming back last night but something just...clicked and I had to do it. I couldn't wait anymore. I wanted to show you that I'm completely yours. I'm here, you're my home. There is no where else for me. I'm not keeping any contingency plans. I even packed up the shit in my workshop. I'm going to rig something together out back this weekend. [There is so much he needs to say, so much he needs to apologize for. Usually he was a man of action. Expressing everything he feels, everything going on inside has never come easy to him but Max deserves to hear it.]
I'm so so fucking sorry I hurt you. Don't for a second think I don't need you. I'm nothing without you. If anything, when I'm feeling like that I need you more than ever. I should have told you how I was feeling. I should have told you what I needed. [His thumb caresses Max's cheek, and over the stubble lined jaw beneath his hands, desperate brown eyes searching Max's sad, tired ones.]
I had this idea that this would be some kind of grand gesture to show you...I don't know. It all sounds so stupid now that I say it outloud. I thought it would show you how serious I am about this. That I'm one hundred percent committed to you, to us and our future in every possible way. I'm so fucking stupid. [The ends of his lips curve up in a small, rueful smile that doesn't meet his eyes.]
You're not a mess. Compared to me? You're a fucking work of art. The Sistine fucking Chapel. You have every right to be hurt and angry and to feel all the messy feelings. I wouldn't want you to be any different. Trust me, if the tables were turned and it was you that was gone almost twenty-four hours, dealing with shit without me and shutting me out...I don't even want to think about how I would react. Fuck. I'm so sorry, Max.
[It's strange how possessive Max is over someone he already knows is his. There's absolutely no way that he can put it all into words. Maybe they aren't perfectly healthy for one another, but they fit and Max knows that they were made to be this way. There's no denying them one another. He sighs when Michael tries to pull all the blame onto himself like normal, when there's always two sides to every story, two sides to any argument.
Already Max knows where this is going and he gazes back lovingly, listening to everything that Michael says. There's a part of his brain searching for the perfect answer back, the way to pull them both together so that there's no longer this type of discord anywhere in their life.
Michael had done a wonderful job, but he hadn't screwed up anywhere. That's what Max was trying to let him know. It was Max's damn nature that made it so difficult. He keeps his love pulled in tight and fit close against his tired body, slowly being re-energized by the man he loves.]
Love, this isn't all your fault. Please don't ever think that anything is. Maybe you messed up, yes, but I did too. I should have been more reasonable, but I get so fucking needy, and I don't know how to not need you so much. Thank you for this. You did something that really makes me feel wonderful, and I can't believe that this is really ours now. You know that we can move into another place if you want. If this place feels too much like mine. I don't mind, but I was serious about making a little place for you. I'll get started on it right away.
[Suddenly Max has an idea. and leans in to brush his lips over michael's]
Hey, what do you think about us going to the courthouse... today. The ritual is still a little bit away, because it's got to be set up, but we can go to the courthouse anytime and get married. Why not today? I've done all the paperwork. We just gotta say our I dos. I want to be married to you. I don't want you to worry I'm gonna run out.
[This was the healthiest relationship Michael has ever had and he's already made so many changes for the better. Max was pushing him to grow, to better himself. Maybe healthy for him looked different than it did for other people. All he knows is what feels right and what feels right is Max.
Max's nature be damned. It makes Michael feel wanted and loved and needed. It's his North Star when he's feeling lost.
They come together so perfectly, fit like they were meant to be together this way, like the broken pieces of the console fusing together at contact as if they had never been broken at all.]
I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to say it and you can sigh all you want. You didn't mess up. Not this time. If you want a list of ways you've messed up throughout our lives I'll give that to you if it will make you feel better but needing me the way you do is not one of them. It never will be. God Max, that's what pulls me back from the ledge. I've spent most of my life feeling unwanted, like I was alone and no one needed me, not my parents or the Evans's or the shitty fucking homes I was placed in, not Alex or Maria or anyone. You are the only person to make me feel like I belong somewhere. Besides, I'm needy as fuck. You're just so good to me I haven't had to embarrass myself yet but you don't know half the shit that goes on in this terrifying brain. [He chuckles softly, feeling himself relax a little more.]
I don't know. I don't mind staying here. There are a lot of memories. Like when I almost bled out on your floor and you had to save me, or when you were in a coma and I poured my heart out to you after building you an alien pacemaker, or when I gave you a blowjob in the kitchen, or you made love to me by the fire. Eventually we can figure out what's next and pick out a place together and make new memories.
[Before Max can pull away from the kiss, Michael captures his bottom lip and pulls him back in, lingering a moment in this perfect space.
What Max says next surprises him but maybe he shouldn't be surprised. Max is a fixer but he doesn't realize he has already fixed everything. Michael is whole because of him. He's terrified to ruin the fragile moment but Max wants to be let in, for Michael to be open and vulnerable and he's not going backwards now.]
Max...I want to marry you more than anything. I want to make you my husband and I'm going to. I just don't want you to do this because I let my insecurities get the best of me for a night. I know you're not going to run out. Every part of my being knows that. I had one bad night. It was important that the date be the same date as the ritual. That's what you wanted. Not the date I came crawling home after being a complete selfish idiot. [His voice is gentle, hands sliding to Max's waist to keep him close, fingers grasping his hips tight, verging on desperate.]
I don't want you to worry I'm going to run out. I'm not going anywhere. The next time I feel insecure or something is bothering me I promise I will talk to you even if it's the middle of the night. But I don't want you to commemorate this date because you think I'm scared you're gonna leave at the finish line.
[The biggest thing that Max can do here is listen, really listen to Michael, and hold him impossibly close while he does, because it's not only Michael that needs to feel needed, but Max had been worrying, and he was feeling his own way by now. He had to be close to his lover, and had to find contact not only by kissing and holding, but his hands crept under Michael's shirt as they talked and wandered over the fabric of his skin, easing softly along sides and back, measuring out the notches in his spine. God how he loved this man. It was making his heart ache by the time Michael was truly through with speaking.
Already, Max realizes the mood that he's created, he realizes the apology set in Michael's tone, and he's beginning to settle to the closeness of their bodies and the hurtful need that he felt earlier is washing away in the soothing tone of his fiancee's words. There's a care there that makes Max glad that the date of their ceremony is soon, so that he himself doesn't have to wait much longer, because he doesn't think that he can. ]
I love you. Let me say that first, and again, because all things should begin with that. Yeah, I was scared that you were still worried about me not making it to the finish line, and I am willing to do anything you need to keep you from worry, you know that. I hated being apart after I woke up. It set something down in my stomach that scared me for some unknown reason, maybe it was because it was so close to everything.
I don't know. I would have been okay if you'd come back by morning, but when you didn't. I guess I freaked out, because I do need you, and every now and then I keep thinking that we forget it, but I know that we can't, cause we've always needed one another. I'm so glad that you love our place for now, cause I like it out here with the fire pit, and all our memories. I know there are some that need to be erased, but I see you everywhere now. We are slowly marking up this house with all our love, and that's what matters.
[Feeling the tinges of Michael's desperation, and the edges of his own neediness, Max noses along Michael's neck and kisses him sharply up and down. Max slips his hand a little higher and then presses in and concentrates, fingers grow bright red and he renews their mark so that everything between them is in sharp relief, the love, the understanding, the concern and the relief on both their parts at being back together, the sense of home that they feel when they are pressed up close like this.]
Michael Guerin, you are mine, and I am yours, for always, don't ever forget that. I don't need some judge to declare it, or write it down. No sheet makes me yours on this day or any day. I've belonged to you from the beginning and I'll be with you until the end and even after if the gods decree it.
[Kissing Michael deeply, max holds his hand over Michael's heart as he says all this, and pours his emotions into the kiss as well, sealing them together through every method he knows how.]
[By now, the linking, Max joining them together body and soul should be a familiar feeling but it still makes his breath hitch and his heart pound like the first time. He's glad Max did it. He didn't even know he needed it until the heat of Max's touch was seeping into every part of him, warming him from the inside and chasing away the cold fear and anxiety that crept in and made a home inside of him when they were apart.
God, he wishes he could do the same to Max. He wanted to show him so many things. Maybe there was still a chance they hadn't tapped into all of their abilities yet, just maybe. For now, he focuses on the way their mouths slot together, the sweet slide of lips and tongue that pulls tiny, needy noises from him as their separation seems to hit him at the same time as Max's emotions come flooding in in sharp relief. Placing a hand over Max's on his chest, he holds it there and concentrates on letting his own emotions flow through. He wants Max to feel everything; the pain he felt at leaving last night, the fear of fucking this up, the sheer relief that they are together and okay and mostly the overwhelming and heart wrenching love Michael feels for him. If nothing else, he needs Max to know that.
By the time they come up for air, he's panting but there's a smile turning up the corners of his lips but he still holds Max's hand on his chest, not ready to let him go.]
You are never getting rid of me, Max Evans. I would find you in every life and marry you on this planet and the next. And I promise, I will never pull that shit again. Ever. I don't need to hide; not from you.
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carisma_sensei
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Date: 2023-05-17 02:54 am (UTC)I'll be fine. Just had to get out of my head.
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Date: 2023-05-17 03:03 am (UTC)What's going on in that beautiful mind, huh?
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Date: 2023-05-17 03:11 am (UTC)Nothing you need to worry your gorgeous head about. Just chalk it up to Michael being Michael and go back to sleep.
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Date: 2023-05-17 03:35 am (UTC)You're the only one I'll ever want, ever need and I'm always going to be here for you. I love you forever, Michael Guerin, remember that wherever you are and whatever you're doing. You're the heart that beats in this chest of mine. Feel it, too.
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Date: 2023-05-17 03:52 am (UTC)Even after the other day?
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Date: 2023-05-17 10:38 am (UTC)What happened the other day?
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Date: 2023-05-17 10:50 am (UTC)I was an idiot.
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Date: 2023-05-17 11:22 am (UTC)You're all I want, and all I'll ever want baby. You need to come back to bed and get a little nap before the day is shot. There's still some time.
You're not an idiot. We all get caught in insecurities. I love you through yours, and you love me through mine. I told you I was an idiot the other day, didn't I? I was feeling very insecure, and all I needed was your arms around me. They make the world better. You make my world better.
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Date: 2023-05-17 12:47 pm (UTC)You're all I want too. I'll come back there's just something I have to do first. It's important.
Yeah and what did I do? I fucked up and made a stupid joke when you clearly needed me. Which I'm still going to apologize for I wanted to immediately. It was stupid of me.
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Date: 2023-05-17 03:36 pm (UTC)Making you feel safe and secure in us is the most important thing. I think that’s another reason why I wanted to marry you. I wanted you to realize that I’m going to be the one that sticks. I’ve always been that one and so have you.
It’s fine, you more than made up for it and I found you at home and you wrapped me in love and that was all I really needed.
Do what you need and I will be here for you when you get here.
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Date: 2023-05-17 03:58 pm (UTC)I haven't nearly made up for it and we're going to talk about that when I get home. I think what I'm doing now will help us both.
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Date: 2023-05-17 05:35 pm (UTC)You are more than worthy of me. Don't you ever think that you're not, baby. You're the only one that comes across my radar, and I hope that I'm worthy of your love, of how deep, passionate and wild your love is.
We can talk all you want. Whatever you want to do, I'll be waiting.
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Date: 2023-05-17 06:30 pm (UTC)I'm finishing up. I'll be back soon.
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Date: 2023-05-17 06:59 pm (UTC)i am working on the other tags i swear. he just has to talk to max :3
Date: 2023-05-17 08:57 pm (UTC)He's practically jumping out of the truck before the engine is off and walks through the front door, cardboard box in his arms.]
Hey, you home? [He calls out, placing the box on a nearby table.] Sorry that took me so long.
take your time. it's been a long busy day. @@ <3 so much love.
Date: 2023-05-18 01:02 am (UTC)Not only did Michael not come home in the early morning as he'd said, but he was gone most the day. Max called off from work that night as he waited, and his mood grew darker and darker. It was like the sun had dipped from his day. He knew that Michael was fine. Their bond told him that much and Max hated the way he could feel when things were off. He also knew the depression and questioning that had hollowed his lover out the night before.
How could max ever sleep when one half of him was feeling like they were hanging out to dry. The excitement that runs through Michael dulls the pain in Max's mind and heart as he comes in through the door with the box.
Tired and trying to hold himself together Max moves into the room that Michael is in and leans against the door.]
I'm here. I'm glad you found your way home. I was beginning to wonder. So, what did you find?
ALL the love <33
Date: 2023-05-18 02:49 am (UTC)He feels unsure for a moment, like he lost his footing and he hasn't felt that way around Max in a long time. It's all his fault and he hates it. It's different than the last time, when the magnitude of his feelings crashed into him like a freight train and he disappeared for a few days. There was none of that fire, that passionate anger burning in the man standing in the doorway. He looks sad, tired. Maybe because they are newly engaged, at the one yard line and he should be well past pulling this shit. ]
Of course I found my way home. I- [The look on Max's face and the distance between them feels more painful than any punch or beating he's had to endure. Suddenly the box feels pretty stupid in the face of the damage he caused but it's important to him. The need to touch Max right now is even more important though so he steps away from the entryway and crosses the room to closes the distance between them, reaching for his hand to pull him away from the doorway gently in case it's not welcome right now.]
I found the rest of my stuff. In a crappy apartment in town I officially no longer rent. [He watches Max's face, trying to gauge his reaction.] I have the last of the boxes in the truck and I turned in the keys.
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Date: 2023-05-18 01:38 pm (UTC)Even now, with Max brooding and feeling upset that Michael had been gone so much longer than Max wanted, it was only because he was tired and wanted his lover by his side. He felt at a loss, because he wasn't able to help Michael in the way his fiance needed. Max was a fixer and always wanted to be there to help, to take away Michael's pain. This time Michael left him to deal by himself, and every time the other did that, it made Max feel inadequate.
That's the reason he was so impossibly upset. It was far more at himself than Michael. It mostly just manifested outward, even though it was an inward emotion. Feeling the warmth of Michael's hand in his immediately softens the beast roaming around in Max's head. He closes his eyes and tries to calm his emotions. Reaching out he pulls the other into him and smothers him with a kiss. This is how it should always be. He pulls off and bites at the side of Michael's neck, marking him once more as his-- staking his claim on the other man, needing to feel in control of something. ]
God damnit Michael. I could have helped with all of that. Why didn't you let me help? [He sighs, and then leans in and kisses his love again, more softly this time.] I'm glad you were able to do that. It feels good. I just feel so ... useless when you don't need me like that. I hate that feeling. I need you to need me, and I'm so terrible about it, such a fucking mess. I'm sorry. You should be able to have a day without me getting so ...
[He shakes his head and drops it to Michael's shoulder. Soon they'll be married and this won't be an issue, he hopes. Well, even if it is, he's talked about it now and maybe they'll find a compromise somewhere down the road.] I love you so fucking much.
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Date: 2023-05-18 03:15 pm (UTC)When Max pulls him in and kisses him instead of pulling away, it's like a knot loosens in his chest and he can breathe again. He immediately wraps his arms around him, holding him tightly and swallowing past the lump in his throat as Max stakes his claim. A claim wasn't necessary. Michael knows who he belongs to. There is and could never be anyone else, but still, he understands the emotion behind it and sighs softly, tilting his head slightly to let Max know he's for the taking. Anything, everything, whatever he needs.]
You really need to stop apologizing for how you feel when I fuck up. [Hearing Max apologize, hearing him voice the way Michael made him feel cuts like a knife to the heart. He never wants to make him feel like that again. He loosens his grip, sliding his hands around to cup his lover's face, gently pulling him up to look into his eyes.]
Max, I'm so fucking sorry. I know those are just words and I'll prove it to you. I promise. I know you would have helped me. I didn't know I was going to do it when I left here. I had every intention of coming back last night but something just...clicked and I had to do it. I couldn't wait anymore. I wanted to show you that I'm completely yours. I'm here, you're my home. There is no where else for me. I'm not keeping any contingency plans. I even packed up the shit in my workshop. I'm going to rig something together out back this weekend. [There is so much he needs to say, so much he needs to apologize for. Usually he was a man of action. Expressing everything he feels, everything going on inside has never come easy to him but Max deserves to hear it.]
I'm so so fucking sorry I hurt you. Don't for a second think I don't need you. I'm nothing without you. If anything, when I'm feeling like that I need you more than ever. I should have told you how I was feeling. I should have told you what I needed. [His thumb caresses Max's cheek, and over the stubble lined jaw beneath his hands, desperate brown eyes searching Max's sad, tired ones.]
I had this idea that this would be some kind of grand gesture to show you...I don't know. It all sounds so stupid now that I say it outloud. I thought it would show you how serious I am about this. That I'm one hundred percent committed to you, to us and our future in every possible way. I'm so fucking stupid. [The ends of his lips curve up in a small, rueful smile that doesn't meet his eyes.]
You're not a mess. Compared to me? You're a fucking work of art. The Sistine fucking Chapel. You have every right to be hurt and angry and to feel all the messy feelings. I wouldn't want you to be any different. Trust me, if the tables were turned and it was you that was gone almost twenty-four hours, dealing with shit without me and shutting me out...I don't even want to think about how I would react. Fuck. I'm so sorry, Max.
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Date: 2023-05-18 07:19 pm (UTC)Already Max knows where this is going and he gazes back lovingly, listening to everything that Michael says. There's a part of his brain searching for the perfect answer back, the way to pull them both together so that there's no longer this type of discord anywhere in their life.
Michael had done a wonderful job, but he hadn't screwed up anywhere. That's what Max was trying to let him know. It was Max's damn nature that made it so difficult. He keeps his love pulled in tight and fit close against his tired body, slowly being re-energized by the man he loves.]
Love, this isn't all your fault. Please don't ever think that anything is. Maybe you messed up, yes, but I did too. I should have been more reasonable, but I get so fucking needy, and I don't know how to not need you so much. Thank you for this. You did something that really makes me feel wonderful, and I can't believe that this is really ours now. You know that we can move into another place if you want. If this place feels too much like mine. I don't mind, but I was serious about making a little place for you. I'll get started on it right away.
[Suddenly Max has an idea. and leans in to brush his lips over michael's]
Hey, what do you think about us going to the courthouse... today. The ritual is still a little bit away, because it's got to be set up, but we can go to the courthouse anytime and get married. Why not today? I've done all the paperwork. We just gotta say our I dos. I want to be married to you. I don't want you to worry I'm gonna run out.
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Date: 2023-05-18 08:15 pm (UTC)Max's nature be damned. It makes Michael feel wanted and loved and needed. It's his North Star when he's feeling lost.
They come together so perfectly, fit like they were meant to be together this way, like the broken pieces of the console fusing together at contact as if they had never been broken at all.]
I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to say it and you can sigh all you want. You didn't mess up. Not this time. If you want a list of ways you've messed up throughout our lives I'll give that to you if it will make you feel better but needing me the way you do is not one of them. It never will be. God Max, that's what pulls me back from the ledge. I've spent most of my life feeling unwanted, like I was alone and no one needed me, not my parents or the Evans's or the shitty fucking homes I was placed in, not Alex or Maria or anyone. You are the only person to make me feel like I belong somewhere. Besides, I'm needy as fuck. You're just so good to me I haven't had to embarrass myself yet but you don't know half the shit that goes on in this terrifying brain. [He chuckles softly, feeling himself relax a little more.]
I don't know. I don't mind staying here. There are a lot of memories. Like when I almost bled out on your floor and you had to save me, or when you were in a coma and I poured my heart out to you after building you an alien pacemaker, or when I gave you a blowjob in the kitchen, or you made love to me by the fire. Eventually we can figure out what's next and pick out a place together and make new memories.
[Before Max can pull away from the kiss, Michael captures his bottom lip and pulls him back in, lingering a moment in this perfect space.
What Max says next surprises him but maybe he shouldn't be surprised. Max is a fixer but he doesn't realize he has already fixed everything. Michael is whole because of him. He's terrified to ruin the fragile moment but Max wants to be let in, for Michael to be open and vulnerable and he's not going backwards now.]
Max...I want to marry you more than anything. I want to make you my husband and I'm going to. I just don't want you to do this because I let my insecurities get the best of me for a night. I know you're not going to run out. Every part of my being knows that. I had one bad night. It was important that the date be the same date as the ritual. That's what you wanted. Not the date I came crawling home after being a complete selfish idiot. [His voice is gentle, hands sliding to Max's waist to keep him close, fingers grasping his hips tight, verging on desperate.]
I don't want you to worry I'm going to run out. I'm not going anywhere. The next time I feel insecure or something is bothering me I promise I will talk to you even if it's the middle of the night. But I don't want you to commemorate this date because you think I'm scared you're gonna leave at the finish line.
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Date: 2023-05-20 10:46 pm (UTC)Already, Max realizes the mood that he's created, he realizes the apology set in Michael's tone, and he's beginning to settle to the closeness of their bodies and the hurtful need that he felt earlier is washing away in the soothing tone of his fiancee's words. There's a care there that makes Max glad that the date of their ceremony is soon, so that he himself doesn't have to wait much longer, because he doesn't think that he can. ]
I love you. Let me say that first, and again, because all things should begin with that. Yeah, I was scared that you were still worried about me not making it to the finish line, and I am willing to do anything you need to keep you from worry, you know that. I hated being apart after I woke up. It set something down in my stomach that scared me for some unknown reason, maybe it was because it was so close to everything.
I don't know. I would have been okay if you'd come back by morning, but when you didn't. I guess I freaked out, because I do need you, and every now and then I keep thinking that we forget it, but I know that we can't, cause we've always needed one another. I'm so glad that you love our place for now, cause I like it out here with the fire pit, and all our memories. I know there are some that need to be erased, but I see you everywhere now. We are slowly marking up this house with all our love, and that's what matters.
[Feeling the tinges of Michael's desperation, and the edges of his own neediness, Max noses along Michael's neck and kisses him sharply up and down. Max slips his hand a little higher and then presses in and concentrates, fingers grow bright red and he renews their mark so that everything between them is in sharp relief, the love, the understanding, the concern and the relief on both their parts at being back together, the sense of home that they feel when they are pressed up close like this.]
Michael Guerin, you are mine, and I am yours, for always, don't ever forget that. I don't need some judge to declare it, or write it down. No sheet makes me yours on this day or any day. I've belonged to you from the beginning and I'll be with you until the end and even after if the gods decree it.
[Kissing Michael deeply, max holds his hand over Michael's heart as he says all this, and pours his emotions into the kiss as well, sealing them together through every method he knows how.]
also totally fine if you want to leave it here i just realized i hadn't replied :3
Date: 2023-05-23 12:03 pm (UTC)God, he wishes he could do the same to Max. He wanted to show him so many things. Maybe there was still a chance they hadn't tapped into all of their abilities yet, just maybe. For now, he focuses on the way their mouths slot together, the sweet slide of lips and tongue that pulls tiny, needy noises from him as their separation seems to hit him at the same time as Max's emotions come flooding in in sharp relief. Placing a hand over Max's on his chest, he holds it there and concentrates on letting his own emotions flow through. He wants Max to feel everything; the pain he felt at leaving last night, the fear of fucking this up, the sheer relief that they are together and okay and mostly the overwhelming and heart wrenching love Michael feels for him. If nothing else, he needs Max to know that.
By the time they come up for air, he's panting but there's a smile turning up the corners of his lips but he still holds Max's hand on his chest, not ready to let him go.]
You are never getting rid of me, Max Evans. I would find you in every life and marry you on this planet and the next. And I promise, I will never pull that shit again. Ever. I don't need to hide; not from you.